Apologies

My apologies to myself and to my adoring public. On Friday I wrote a post about whipped cream and not being one of those freaks that worries about a little whipped cream. The fact is that I was/am one of those freaks. I had counted calories and carbs and sugars and managed to count my way right on in to an eating disorder. Not an extreme disorder, but the start of something that could be serious. I was lying to myself when I wrote that I didn't care about the whipped cream. The whipped cream haunted me all day. Realization of my disorder came when I was doing crunches and started thinking about how if I went and ran really hard I might puke and then the whipped cream would be gone. Now, this is 12 hours after I had the whipped cream and obviously by this point the whipped cream had at least made it's way to my intestines, but I kept picturing it with all it's fat and sugar just sitting in my stomach like a pretty cool whip dollup. This my friends is an unhealthy attitude towards food and the start of a disorder.

No sooner had the thought of puking out the fat and calories (impossible to do without losing the vitamins and minerals that are needed for survival, oh and nothing tastes good the second time - so don't do it) than I realized that I was sick. I needed to take control again. I did. I am no longer counting anything. I will journal all of my food so that I can look back and make sure I'm not falling into my pattern of unhealthy eating. I have learned enough and will have to trust myself to make healthy decisions and to see food and not calorie/fat content. So world here I am, scared, vulnerable and in complete control. I looked into the face of my whipped cream covered hell and came through on the other side stronger and more resolved to live healthily and if I lose weight then that is the added bonus of my new healthier life.

I will admit that this isn't my first bizzare view on weight loss. For a while I was convinced that after tanning, I could poke myself with a fork and the fat would ooze out like it does with super yummy smoked sausages on the grill. Luckily I have a very low tolerance for pain and my skin isn't made of animal entrails.

If you are looking for more information on healthy eating, please visit American Dietetic Association shared with me by my dear friend Cali Amy.