Buh bye fattie

I am paying a large man money to satisfy my needs. My need of getting skinny, my need of getting in shape, and my need to fit into a hot bathing suit in two months with as few fat rolls as possible. His name is PT for Personal Trainer.

Let me back up a bit...Two weeks ago on a whim we booked a cruise for the end of March because we got a great deal on the cruise itself, some awesome destinations (Grand Cayman Island, Cozumel and Costa Maya) with reasonable excursion prices. Do you know what this means? No it doesn’t mean that I’m lucky, it means that I now have 2 months. One, two..that’s all to lose my extra baggage of weight. Ideally I will lose 25-30 lbs, realistically I don’t know what to expect. I’m striving to lose 2 pant sizes. Last Friday I joined a new gym and looked into a personal trainer. They have free trainers with the gym, but what do they care if I lose weight or reach my very lofty goal, they’re only getting paid whatever the gym wants to pay them by the hour. PT is very interested in me reaching my goal. A little too interested because on our first meeting, which was free, he kicked my ass. I don’t mean that he made me work out a lot and do a ton of exercises, I mean that he made me do things I have never done before. Every exercise was full range of motion and I did no less than 30 reps of each on each side. I was sweating in the first 10 minutes. Yesterday I couldn’t walk. No really, Chris had to help me lift myself from the toilet (that’s almost as loving as frog toes, but not quite). Today my abs hurt so bad that I can barely straighten myself out.

In addition to this making every muscle hurt regimen, I am eating like a freaking rabbit...if rabbits ate fish. I am on as low fat as possible and under 50g of carbs a day diet. Which means I eat tuna and salmon and hard boiled egg whites and tons of veggies. I am allowing myself one cheat meal a week and I have to plan it and plan for it and it can’t be outright fattening, just more fattening than tuna and celery. PT already called to ask me what I had for breakfast and lunch and to check on my dinner plans (which by the way is grilled Salmon w/ greenbeans)

The funny part of this is that after my first workout I was trying to be all cool and like "Great workout" the whole time I was walking like my legs were jello (they felt that way too) and once I got outside, I stepped off the curb and my jello legs lost all stability and I went down, right onto my knees. I couldn’t get up fast, but I did move as fast as I could and hobbled to my car where I promptly called home and whined. The only time I moved fast all weekend is when Chris flicked a spider and it came towards me while I was on the can (so much potty talk in this post) and I jumped straight up and almost landed in the bath tub. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate spiders? I do. A lot. More than I can express with words. After my heart stopped racing and the spider was adequately dead (as in smooshed, scraped and washed down the drain w/ hot water) I hobbled back to my chores.

If you’re still with me, you’re a trooper and must have been through some boring blog training all on your own. Putting this in words makes me accountable and internet, I need your help keeping me accountable.

My next session is Wednesday night, let’s hope that my legs are a little more solidified and a little less like Bill Cosby’s favorite desert.